Partner Betrayal Trauma

Shattered by Betrayal? Deceived by someone you thought you could trust?

If you have just discovered your spouse’s infidelity, sexually inappropriate behavior, and intimate deception, you may be experiencing partner betrayal trauma. Whether you are still in initial shock or reality has already set in and you’re trying to figure out how to put your life back together, know that betrayal trauma therapy can provide the help and hope you need after betrayal. Start your betrayal trauma recovery today!

Well-worn recovery road warrior and ready to go deeper? Time to focus on finding yourself, restoring your intuition, boundarifying yourself, using your empowered voice? Work with a team who have walked that path ahead of you.

Road Warriors

You have been on the recovery journey long enough to know that it will be neither short nor easy. You have accepted that this experience has changed you, but are determined that you will not let the pain you feel today define you.

You have accepted that there are no assurances that your loved one will do the work for the deep recovery changes that you know are needed, nor that the gains will be maintained once made.

You have decided you want a deeper recovery, regardless of your betrayer's actions. You realize you are on a higher journey to find the pieces of yourself that you thought were destroyed, claim your voice, and discover who you are now. You are on a treasure hunt, and the treasure you are going to recover is you.

YOU HAVE BECOME A ROAD WARRIOR.

What do you pack for the journey?

If you don’t have it now, don’t worry. What you don’t have at the beginning, you develop along the way. Intensive Recovery Healing offers individual and couples counseling, women's empowerment groups, and 3, 4, and 5-day intensives.

Your Battle Plan

Grit
Tenacity
Boundaries
Courage
Vulnerability
Vision
Worthiness
Faith
Integrity
Values
Travelors on the road with me

Frequently Asked Questions

Is This Sex or Pornography Addiction?

You may already know or suspect that your loved one has a problem with sexual integrity but aren’t sure if it could be an addiction. Take the quiz to see how many commonly reported patterns associated with addictive behavior you can identify.

Does your spouse:

Use sex with you as a fix – an argument ender, sleeping pill, stress buffer, or teddy bear?

Create arguments over sex?

Expect you to be sexual on demand?

Exhibit moodiness that depends on whether he or she gets sex or not?

Leave a trail of broken promises about quitting a problematic sexual behavior or initiating a needed change?

Have unexplainable mood shifts, regardless of sexual toward you?

Have unaccountable spending or time, including time alone in your home?

Keep smartphone hidden or become upset if you use it? Make sure to always have phone on hand, even in the bathroom?

Engage in crazymaking behavior, emotional manipulation, or gaslighting, especially if you question his or her behavior?

Demonstrate limited desire for you or report performance problems – the type that could be associated with Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction?

Show little willingness to be emotionally intimate?

Have a history of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse or neglect?

Have a long history of viewing pornography, starting in childhood or puberty?

If your spouse exhibits many of these symptoms, their behavior pattern is similar to individuals who struggle with sexually compulsive behaviors.

Shattered by Sexual Betrayal?

How many of the commonly reported experiences of Partners of Sex or Porn Addicts are true for you?

Do you:

Doubt the explanation for frequent absences, time spent on calls, texts or social media apps?

Suspect lies, often for no apparent reason?

Search for clues about what is really going on? Have you become a private investigator in your own home?

Suspect or know about the use of hook up apps?

Wonder if you are living with Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?

Have unexplainable mood shifts, regardless of sexual behavior with you?

Feel alone during your sex or in the relationship?

Give in to sex to try to keep peace?

Give in to keep him or her from sexually acting out?

Feel used, dirty, or abandoned after sexual encounters?

Compare yourself to porn images and feel like you have to compete, or can’t compete?

Notice large stretches of time where he or she doesn’t seem to be mentally present?

Notice large stretches of time where he or she avoids being sexual with you? Even while continuing to view porn?

Sometimes doubt your attractiveness, feelings, sanity?

Feel like a porn widow?

Feel hurt, angry or numb for the wasted years? Feel fearful, hopeless, or trap about your future if this continues?

If your spouse exhibits many of these symptoms, their behavior pattern is similar to individuals who struggle with sexually compulsive behaviors.

How Have I Been Affected by Pornography or Sex Addiction?

As a partner of a sex or pornography addict, you are likely devastated by your spouse’s behavior. You are on an emotional rollercoaster that fluctuates from shock, disbelief, numbness, anger, sadness, fear, and grief.

You may be tormented by images of what you discovered or even of what you only imagine your spouse did. Your sense of security has been shattered. Your ability to trust your spouse and, perhaps, your judgment and intuition are wounded. You have become preoccupied with emotional safety seeking, such as searching for evidence of what really happened and whether it is still happening.

What is Partner Betrayal Trauma?

Many partners of sex addicts experience a form of complex PTSD called partner betrayal trauma. This includes both shock trauma and attachment-based, relational trauma.

Did you, or do you, feel disconnected, numb, or in disbelief about the betrayal for some time after discovery.

Do you feel like your marriage, your life, your future, even your perception of what is real, been shattered? Perhaps even as if the person you were before is gone forever?

Are you hyperaware of things in the environment that might trigger reminders for you?

Hyperalert to your spouse’s reaction to potential triggers?

Do you avoid activities, places, memories, or other reminders of the betrayal?

Do you ask frequent and repetitive questions to try to make sense of what has happened?

Do you set truth traps by asking questions you already know the answer to discern if s/he is still lying?

Do you frequently wonder if you should stay or go?

Do you have flashbacks of what you discovered?

Do you have daymares or flash forwards of what you fear will happen in the future?

Do you have intrusive thoughts about the betrayal that robs you of your peace?

Has your concentration been hijacked so that you are dropping balls at home or work? Do you feel like the burden is on you to hold the family together and feel overwhelmed with the task?

Do you feel like you have to construct the perfectly phrased question, asked over and over, at the exact right time before your spouse will give you a little bit of truth?

Feel like a porn widow?

Have you heard the phrase, “I promise you, this time it is the truth …? Now you know it all” dozens of times as distorted and partial truth trickles out?

Do you sometimes blame yourself for being ‘not enough’ or ‘too much’? Do you ever think, “How could I have been so stupid or naïve”?

Does it interfere with or take time from relationships with your children, your co-workers, and/or other friends or family members?

If you answer yes to a number of these questions, then your spirit has been negatively affected by pornography and sex addiction, and you can benefit from a betrayal trauma approach to your recovery.

Can I recover from Betrayal Trauma?

Healing and empowerment are absolutely possible after partner betrayal trauma! Shattered hearts can mend – with the help of a team trained in treating partner betrayal trauma. Healing starts with accepting the reality of what has happened to you and beginning to grieve the loss of the life you thought you had, the one you planned to live, and the person you used to be. It starts with reaching for help.

Can Our Relationship Survive Betrayal?

Yes! A relationship CAN survive pornography and sex addiction. If both parties receive help and live an active recovery lifestyle, you can develop a deeper, more fulfilling relationship. The most successful relationships are those in which the addict and partner participate in individual and couples-related therapy activities.

Group therapy, healing communities or faith-based support groups, and Twelve-Step programs can also be an essential source of support for you and your addicted spouse.

How do I choose a Betrayal Trauma Therapist or Coach?

It will be necessary for your spouse to work with a therapist with specific training in identifying and treating the impact of sexual addiction, such as a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist or Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional. However, not all professionals trained in treating sex or pornography addiction have specific training in understanding partner betrayal trauma or experience in marriage or couples counseling.

You can seek a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist, Certified Partner Trauma Therapist, or certified Partner Recovery Therapist. Professionals with these credentials have had specific training on identifying and treating betrayal trauma, including its impact on your relationship. ERCEM-trained (Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model) professionals understand that your relationship itself had been wounded by betrayal and need a relationship guide with knowledge of both addition and trauma.

To obtain this information, you will have to ask about the educational background of the therapist you work with to guide you through your own healing and help rebuild your relationship. Ask as many questions as needed to determine who is the best fit for helping you and your relationship navigate the recovery process.

What Expertise Does the Intensive Recovery Healing Team Have?

Our team includes Certified Clinical Partner Specialists, Certified Partner Trauma Therapists, Partner Betrayal Trauma Therapists, Partner Recovery Therapists, Certified Sex Addiction Therapists, Betrayal Trauma-Informed Coaches, Early Recovery Couples Empathy Model Specialists, and Certified Disclosure Guide clinicians and coaches.