Partners of Sex Addicts: Not Knowing

The number one trauma trigger I hear about from partners of sex addicts is not knowing – not knowing what the truth is, not knowing how far his behavior has progressed, not knowing what to trust about his recovery, not knowing what is real in your past, present or future and not knowing if you can handle any more blows.

That painful uncertainty is one reason many partners also need to read Partners of Sex Addicts: Rebuilding Trust and The Rise of Recovery Disclosure Guides.

You may want to return to the kind of naïve trust you had before it sank in that this really is a problem, but your body and spirit will no longer allow you to do that. The person you were is gone, and part of the purpose of a structured healing journey is to help you to accept and grieve that loss, so that you can move on with your life.

In my experience counseling partners of sex addicts, I find that the best recovery plan and therapy processes are those designed to provide you with some practical tools for surviving and thriving despite the intense pain you are now experiencing. In essence, in recovery, you learn how to turn down the volume of your pain and anger. This will empower you to not only pick up the pieces of your shattered life but to rebuild your life to your own specifications – regardless of whether your sex addict chooses to change.

Reclaiming your power will be a lengthy journey but well worth the effort. For right now, you can allow the intensity of your pain to be your motivator for starting this recovery process. I frequently recommend that the partners in my counseling practice participate in the Partners' Empowerment Group. This is a therapeutic work group that uses a structured set of exercises specifically designed to help partners heal from their mate's sex or porn addiction.

If the uncertainty is showing up as triggers, read Understanding Your Trauma Triggers as well.

If you take this or a similar route, you may initially be impatient with the first few group exercises that ask you to do a number of things before you begin to focus on the details of your own trauma story. There is a very specific reason for this. Telling your story and describing your pain is going to activate the emergency override part of your brain that will put you back on the emotional rollercoaster again.

Metaphorically speaking, in laying down a foundation for your healing with the group's early exercises that focus on stabilizing your feelings and behavior, you will create a container for your pain so you don’t feel so out of control when you are on the rollercoaster. Over time, you can ride it out without getting caught up in the emotion or reacting in ways that prolong your healing process. Eventually, you will be able to avoid the rollercoaster altogether.

Your healing starts right now!

Your healing starts right now! You will need two ingredients to get started: 1) a journal and 2) the sound of your own voice. You will use these resources on a daily basis throughout your entire healing journey. It will both document your pain and be evidence of your empowerment.

1. You will use your journal to privately pour your thoughts, feelings, and reflections on your behavior onto the pages daily. Review the previous day's entry at the beginning of each day; highlight anything that suggests you may have been triggered into a trauma reaction. Begin to identify your trauma cycle by developing a list of what thoughts, feelings, behaviors, or external events appear to trigger that response, and notice whether it elicits a fight, flight, or freeze response in you.
   
   For now, just observing what your particular pattern is will be enough. In the Partner's Empowerment Groups, we then develop self-care plans to prevent and deal with those reactions later. I urge you to find a similar therapeutic group or join a healing community of women in recovery, such as COSA, S-Anon or Al-Anon, who can serve as a support system helping you through this process.
2. At the bottom of this page are 2 sentences I want you to say out loud to yourself, even though you may not believe them and they won’t bring instant relief. You will need to repeat them to yourself thousands of times in the coming weeks and months before they sink in.

IT WON’T HURT THIS BAD FOREVER.

HIS ADDICTION IS NOT MY FAULT!!!