Intimacy Anorexia in Sex Addiction
After counseling recovering sex and porn addicts, partners of sex addicts, and couples trying to rebuild trust in the wake of betrayal for many years, I have come to the conclusion that knowledge about intimacy anorexia is the missing ingredient in sex addiction recovery and relational healing. Yet most recovering sex addicts and their partners have never heard of this term, which describes a predominant pattern of the withholding of emotional, spiritual, and/or sexual intimacy from the primary relationship partner.
For the partner-facing side of this pattern, compare this with Emotional Starvation and If My Husband Is Intimacy Anorexic, What Am I?.
If you are a partner of a sex addict, you may have assumed that the intimacy deprivation you have experienced in your marriage was just part of your spouse’s sexual addiction struggles – that once he sustained a significant period of sobriety in his acting out behaviors, he would finally be able to really connect with your heart. You waited patiently, or as patiently as you could, until he was at a better place in his recovery, until you saw signs he was developing compassion and connection with his recovery buddies, and then, finally, you could see the signs your emotional starvation would eventually end. If this is your experience as a partner of a sex addict, I’m happy for you and the renewed hope you now have.
This was when you finally got it, when you recognized that the withholding is mostly just with you. This was when you recognized that you have been receiving emotional crumbs from your spouse. This is when you realized that slowly and insidiously over time you may have come to a place where not only have you been living off crumbs, but are living a life of waiting hungrily for every little bit. This was when some of you may grasped that the young, hopeful girl you once were slowly lowered her expectations for being cherished and became habituated to a state of intimacy deprivation. If you have been living off crumbs for many years, you have likely shut down. You have lost yourself.
Why Intimacy Anorexia Matters in Sex Addiction Recovery
Intimacy anorexia was first identified by sex addiction and relationship recovery expert Doug Weiss. Doug found that approximately 30% of recovering sex addicts and 40% of their partners demonstrated intimacy anorexia. The rates of intimacy anorexia in my own counseling practice are roughly similar to those of Weiss. That’s a lot of intimacy deprivation going around.
In my own counseling practice, I’ve found intimacy anorexia to be an important obstacle to obtaining and sustaining sexual sobriety. For many recovering sex addicts, reining in sexual acting out is relatively easy, but if the intimacy anorexia isn’t addressed the resulting intimacy deprivation poisons the progress of the spiritual, emotional, and relational growth and ultimately sews the seeds for the addict’s next relapse.
I call this a flat tire recovery. Standard recovery behaviors may put air in the tire so it looks good on the surface, but isn’t enough to prevent the slow leak back to flat.
Why should partners of sex addicts care when these disorders co-occur? You should care because the sex addiction is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s the intimacy anorexia that lies below the surface that can hurt you the most.
It’s the withholding of affection and appreciation; the unwillingness to share his heart or lack of interest in knowing yours; the criticism, blame, or silent treatment; the sexual rejection or use of you as an object for sex that rips the hole in your heart and puts you in intimacy deprivation.
I’ve counseled a large number of recovering partners of sex addicts in my career. In working with women who have experienced both sexual betrayal and intimacy anorexia, 100% describe the long-term effects of the intimacy anorexia as more damaging than the sex addiction. As long as the intimacy anorexia is active, these women feel Married and Alone, even long after their husbands have achieved sexual sobriety.
So What is the Answer?
So what is the answer? Take a good hard look at the intimacy-deprived life you have been living. If this is no longer something you can tolerate, then educate yourself on the dynamics of intimacy anorexia. Prepare yourself for the tightrope act of seeking alternative nurturing sources of support to end your deprivation while simultaneously holding your intimacy anorexic accountable for making deposits in the intimacy bank on a regular basis.
A Married & Alone Group for dealing with intimacy anorexia is a great start for connecting with supportive women who understand how the deprivation has impacted you and who will empower you to make necessary boundary changes with your spouse. Also, be aware that if intimacy anorexia is the enemy in your relationship, standard marriage counseling will not work.
Traditional marriage counseling is based on the premise that both partners want to connect, not that the anorexic partner wants to maintain a degree of distance from his partner. Few counselors, including sex addiction specialists, are trained to identify intimacy anorexia. You will need to seek a counselor with specific training in treating both sex addiction and intimacy anorexia. Contact the American Association of Sex Addiction Therapy to find professionals trained in intimacy anorexia.
