Rebuilding Trust After Sexual Betrayal
The recovering sex addicts I counsel often ask what their partners need to rebuild trust in the wake of sexual betrayal. My initial answer is obvious: TRUTH, in combination with fidelity, respect, and an end to manipulation. She needs to know her mate really wants to hear her heart and is willing to share his own. But the most basic need of all, the one that will be essential in eventually restoring trust, is unfortunately the one that is most destroyed by betrayal -- a sense of emotional safety in the relationship.
When the addict understands that the quest for emotional safety is the fuel that drives the behavior of partners of sex addicts, the myriad of emotions and actions that frustrate recovering addicts and confound many therapists becomes understandable.
Betrayal is traumatic for partners. When a mate's betrayal occurs in the context of a sex addiction, the prospect of future betrayals can't be ignored, and the resulting anxiety becomes overwhelming. Not only does the partner no longer trust the addict, but she no longer trusts her intuition. Since she either ignored her intuition or her intuition let her down, self-doubt is now rampant. Intuition, the most basic innate mechanism for safely navigating her emotional world, is either silent, now a source of mistrust, or it is difficult to distinguish the sound of her intuition from her trauma-generated fear.
The partner was hurt by what she didn't know or didn't understand about her sexually addicted spouse. If she was hurt in the past by what she didn't know, she can be hurt in the future by what she doesn't know. This often triggers an intense need to find all the pieces of her mate's sex addiction puzzle and to put them together in a way that gives her a sense of understanding what she's up against and whether she wants to stick around for the outcome. The puzzle she's attempting to solve is "How do I keep myself emotionally safe."
However, the partner of a sex addict believes she can no longer rely on the addict for either truth or reliable information nor does she believe she can rely on her own judgment. Therefore, the route to emotional safety appears to lie in either interrogation or detective work. This awareness can result in a compulsive-like fixation on seeking "proof" of further deception as both a way to gain some sense of understanding about the betrayals of the past and predict the relational landmines in her future.
As the sex addict moves deeper into recovery, the partner's sense of emotional safety is further undermined by the self-doubt that is now associated with periods of relative calm, or the fear that is triggered as trust begins to grow again in the relationship. At first glance, this may seem counterintuitive. It is easier to comprehend other types of trauma.
For example, imagine you are out for a drive in your car, aware of how much you are enjoying the scenery of a beautiful day and the pleasant music in the background, and your last conscious thought before being hit by a truck you didn't see coming is, "I am really having a good time." It is quite likely that in the future, any awareness of enjoying yourself while driving might become coupled with subsequent fear. We often experience this as 'the shoe is about to drop' fear that can arise on the heels of a positive experience.
For the partner of a sex addict, the 'shoe about to drop' fear may occur as she becomes aware of a growing sense of security and trust in her mate. For example, the partner may notice that the overt indicators of her mate's sexually acting out are no longer evident and that he sounds sincere when professing his commitment to be sexually sober and faithful. She may think to herself, "I'm not noticing any signs of betrayal," and breathe a sigh of relief.
This often serves as a precursor for what partners call the "emotional rollercoaster" or an influx of intense and sometimes paradoxical emotions combined with intrusive thoughts and memories. This includes increased physiological arousal, sleep disturbance, poor concentration, obsessive-compulsive-like behaviors, and fluctuating feelings of fear, shock, sadness, and anger that may alternate with numbness.
So how does the recovering sex addict help his partner restore a sense of emotional safety? TELL the TRUTH! When the addict is telling the truth, his words and behaviors will line up consistently across time. After a significant period of words and actions consistently matching, trust will eventually begin to be restored for the partner.
How does the partner begin to restore a sense of emotional safety? Stop relying solely on changes in her mate's behavior to determine the level of emotional safety in the relationship. Although her mate's sexually addictive behavior may be the cause of her pain, the wounds are now in her heart, and only she can heal them. Be willing to reach out to a healing community of other partners can provide support and advice for how to contain the pain better.
Most importantly, recognizes that personal boundaries will be the greatest single source of empowerment for her. Once truth, containment, and boundaries are firmly in place, emotional safety will be re-established, and the recovering addict and partner can begin the task of rebuilding trust in the relationship.