Betrayed again. I am tired. I am alone. I am so lonely. I am hurting. I am cut open and bleeding all over the floor. I am invisible. I have such pain, but there is no one to see me. Does God see me? Then why does the pain not go away? Why does God not help me?
I’ve healed enough to know that I do not deserve this. I’ve healed enough to know that this is not my fault. I’ve healed enough to know that I cannot control my husband. I’ve healed enough to know that my needs are valid, normal and obtainable. I’ve healed enough to know that I am not crazy.
But how does one let go of wanting to be heard? Of wanting to be seen? Of wanting to be respected? Of wanting to be treated like an equal? Of wanting to be cared for? Of wanting to be known to another?
By the one person who will NOT give it? By the one person who took vows to remain faithful, and loyal and true and committed? Wasn’t he supposed to honor me? Is this the way to honor someone? Betrayed again.
I lie bleeding..scars ripped open once again God, how many more times must I suffer this pain? Knowing my kids cannot save me…(please don’t let them see me again like this, God). Knowing that my husband will not save me…(he doesn’t’ even see my blood everywhere). Knowing that I must save myself. (How? How do I save myself God?)
I will crawl to a phone… I will make a call… I will find a way… I will stuff beach towels in the open wounds.
I will affirm my value and my worth. I will not let another’s treatment of me… define my value. I will not let this kill me on the outside, like it has almost killed me on the inside.
I will do this for me. For my son. For my daughter. For my grandchildren.
~ Wendy (a talented, creative, amazing woman)
Dr. Janice Caudill is the founder and Clinical Director of McKinney Counseling & Recovery. MCR offers individual, couples, group therapy and multi-day intensives for partners of sex addicts and wounded hearts struggling with sex addiction, infidelity, love addiction or love avoidance, intimacy anorexia, or relational trauma in the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Richardson, Frisco, Carrollton, Lewisville, Dallas and surrounding areas.
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